Reverie

Standing on the top of the mesa an hour before sunset, I watch the angry, dark, indigo sky clear to cloud-puffed blue. The storm ends as quickly as it came up, it’s fierce blustery wind blowing open the ancient windows of the Upper Pavilion to spit droplets of rain on the tables we were covering with butcher paper for our evening exhibit. I feel the usual melancholy of ending a week of Literally Letters at Ghost Ranch. Our stalwart, eclectic group of amateur and professional calligraphers returns year after year to partake in a rare experience of communal art making in a ramshackle building perched like an outcrop on the mesa overlooking the Ranch. In the Upper Pavilion we shed our outer world roles, cares and concerns to take a deep dive into art. It is here, among this community of scribes, where my passion and purpose for pursuing calligraphy was re-ignited. Whether taking late night shots of tequila while flinging sumi ink on paper and rinsing it the ancient sink in the corner of the room; walking the labyrinth at dawn of the Summer solstice: attempting to find a spotty Internet connection in the musty library; sneaking off to Abiquiu for a decent meal; laughing at the sudden gusts of wind spilling dust on our art in the Upper Pavilion; hanging out at the canteen eating ice cream with surly teenagers; walking back to our cabins at two in the morning guided by the light of stars and the moon; or sharing joys and sorrows at evening vespers, all of it adds up to a creative bonanza of art bursting out of our seams during a week of “Ghost Ranch dream time”.

My children have spent many summers here with me. So has my white-haired Mother, who in her elder prime, along with with her friend Rita, year after year  risked life and limb traversing steep slopes of the quarry across the road to dig for dinosaur bones with the paleontology group. Back home, the memories formed here will sustain and inspire new art throughout the year, but it always saddens me to leave. Against the backdrop of this ancient New Mexico landscape one is both awed and overwhelmed by the forces of nature that have shaped and carved Ghost Ranch into its current form of canyon, mesa and chimney rock. The storm that had just nearly blown us all away  reminds me of how small and vulnerable we humans are in nature’s grand scheme of things: blips on a timeline of eons.

Looking over to Kitchen Mesa, a rainbow appears, rising as if blooming naturally out of the sage-scruffed red cliffs. Inhaling a deep breath of rain freshened air, I imagine similar blue mesa sunset skies and rainbows of ages past, dinosaurs grazing in the surrounding wetlands. A quiet moment of reverie expands to eternity as life flashes before me in waves of  grief, joy and wonder: graduations, travel, children grown up, books written, art created,  mom’s ashes on this land, my own visage beginning to dull and wrinkle, hands unsteady, calligraphy turned to dust, the wonderful, terrible circle of life unfolding in a fractal, layered movie montage in my head. The heart expansion and gut punch of communing with then saying goodby to Ghost Ranch and my tribe of Literally Letters calligraphers—the living and dying and all that’s in between—- wells up and spills out in tearful, laughing sobs as the blue sky turns sunset pink and fiery orange. A cholla flower I’ve watched all week transform from tight green bud to full outrageous magenta blossom offers its bright petaled smile to complete the colorful dusk scene.

A poem emerges on the spot; a kind of prayer to commemorate this sacred moment which I speak out loud to commit to memory:

A Cholla rose in morning

Yawning magenta

Petals stretch to greet the sun

I return to a transformed Upper Pavilion: now it is a chic, rustic gallery with art tastefully displayed around the room. The floors are swept, art supplies are packed and stowed away, chairs are rearranged, and heaping platters of brownies have just arrived, compliments of the Ghost Ranch kitchen. It is 8:18 and the show begins. Dressed in our finest casual “artsy bohemian” attire, my fellow scribes and I mill about greeting guests who arrive from all corners of Ghost Ranch to see what we calligraphers have gotten up to all week. Some of us offer calligraphy demonstrations, which include gifts of embellished bookmarks created on the spot. Another offers free hand painted arm “tatoos” which delights children and adults alike. One of our tribe inevitably breaks out the “forbidden” wine and beer, and at evening’s end, when the guests have gone, we raise our plastic glasses to toast another memorable week of Literally Letters. As we go outside to watch the full moon rise over the mesa, we extend our arms to each other in tearful, hugged farewells. The Upper Pavilion is dark and quiet when we close the door and turn off the lights.

Illuminations

 

It’s Not Always Pretty: Wabi Sabi, Shadows and Creative empowerment

If the intention in our art is authenticity, then nothing gets spared or glossed over. Shadows are engaged and reckoned with as much as sunshine. What is ugly or repulsive to us may be compelling to others, worthy of as much attention, acceptance and praise as our more conventionally “lovely” creations. What scares us most may be our most resonant, emotionally  powerful art. There are finished pieces from which I have recoiled in horror, like a mother who has birthed a monster, only to be shocked by the positive reception it receives when I reluctantly present it to the world. Why are we drawn to messy, layered visual journals with cracked, worn bindings, the bold primitive marks and scrafitti of a child’s drawing, the frayed golden dandelions peeking through sidewalk cracks, distressed, worm-eaten, antique wooden tables? Why do we take photos of an old rusted truck in a field covered with weeds and wildflowers, our grandmother’s gnarled, blue-veined wrinkled hands, or graffiti layered walls in urban alleys? Why was my  own (self-rejected) wild, messy art piece—the first of its kind in my repertoire—appealing to its eager buyer? Wabi Sabi offers a clue. A Japanese term which defies clear definition, Wabi Sabi might best be understood as the beauty of transience, imperfection, simplicity.  While Wabi Sabi defies definition, we recognize its organic qualities of rustic authenticity: wrinkled faces, distressed  furniture, cracked walls with peeling paint. Wabi Sabi widens our aesthetic lens beyond a narrow, conventional Western ideal of beauty based on harmonious, classical proportions.

Prior to learning about Wabi Sabi, I loathed the muddy, quirky, disheveled intruders who kept showing up on my neat white pages and canvases. They arrived in tangled, layered slashes of energetic lines and marks, or brooding, primitive figures which thwarted my attempts to create neat,”well-behaved”  lovely and  “agreeable” calligraphic art pieces. Curious about what compelled me to express these visually (for me) challenging pieces and why people responded to them, I turned to C.G. Jung and his work on the  Shadow.

According to Jung, We all possess a well-spring of unconscious, unknown or rejected aspects which comprise our  personal shadow.  These hidden parts not only have power and resonance, but can wreak havoc in our lives unless we bring them to light. Our acceptance and integration of our shadow is necessary for personal growth and wholeness. The personal art pieces which I had deemed ugly—which felt alien, shadowy unfamiliar—illuminated hidden aspects of myself, including a daring, assertive, disruptive feminist voice who could not be expressed in the language of conventional beauty.  Embracing my “shadow” was catalyst for creative empowerment and a Wabi Sabi epiphany: Our “rough and tumble” rustic creations and our conventional, classically, harmonious “bright stars” can co-exist in equal measure of beauty, emotional resonance and impact. Regarding the not so pretty bits,  I think of Lettering master Yves Leterme who suggests that to avoid preciousness in our art we may have to “kill our little darlings.” Conversely, I believe we are wise to accept some of the ugly ducklings or “Shreks” who arrive bidden or unbidden on pages and canvases. Perhaps like Shrek, who was filled with “rabid self-esteem” when he first saw his hideous visage in the mirror, we too can embrace the power of our shadow, welcoming what shows up in our work, warts and all. 

 

 

 

 

Slippery Fish

What folly it is to try to capture something that feels like a slippery fish: you’ve got it—and then it flies off the line or out of your hand, flipping and gyrating back into the water: splash!  You can describe its keen muscled energy: slithery, pulsating, wet, for that split second before it leaves your grasp; the rainbow sparkle of sunlight reflected in its silver blue scales as it leaps its way towards home in a flip-flopped downward spiral; the concentric circles formed in the water as it plunges in and swims off and away. But the fish itself? Gone. What remains are wet, smelly hands and droplets of water. The fish is  history, a spin of memory; a tale told to one’s self and others; an approximation; a backward glance through a rear view mirror. Are the droplets of remaining water enough to reflect a nugget of truth about the fish itself?

Writing about my life, art and teaching art is like catching a fish: a fluid, slippery thing just out of reach–beyond catching or containment.  It begins as one thing then becomes another, flipping this way and that in its contorted effort to escape. The best I can offer are fragments or droplets, the whole experience reflected through its memorable parts, woven together with a golden thread or through-line of seeking and championing voice and creative self expression. Whether viewed through a lens of adventure, tragedy, comedy, didactic instruction &  inspiration (you pick!), the story I share has both dark and bright beginnings, middles, and dead ends—and illuminating magic. There are paper, pens, pianos, poetry, tears, psychology and child’s day-dreamed imaginations;  sullen, heavy slogs through  small town mountain days; peripatetic wanderings and wonderings through larger urban spaces, including the hallowed halls of academia. There are soul-crushing breakdowns, far-flung adventures, lucky breaks and miraculous synchronicities that punctuate a life lived in the quest of meaning and deep creative engagement, all centered around the  BIG dream of calligraphy and art. The dream that stretched beyond the borders of my early lived or imagined experience: out of reach, impossible, no compass to chart its direction, my face pressed up against glass looking out towards its horizon.

Emerging

 

The Long Pause

 

I miss the quiet, empty spaces,

ears re-tuned to birdsong;

making bread and growing things;

sitting on front porches waving to passersby,

the neighbors we never met before;

idle walks and talks and noticing

the bend and sway of tree branches shedding pecans;

the hawk’s nest high above, with teetering babies poised to fly;

how fast hair and nails grow;

how small things really matter.

As death felled our numbers we ceded to finality:

a humble reckoning,

a full on look at dusk,

a reverence for breath.

Stripped to bone and memory,

we emerge to remember or forget

that THIS moment

THIS day

THIS  time

is it.

Meeting One’s End

Daily wonderings

As i walk through my neighborhood each morning, I am struck by a random thought.  However absurd it seems, I follow the thread and a story emerges in the form of a poem. Today it was “meeting one’s end,” or “making ends meet.”  Which led me to ponder: How do I want to meet my end? Can I fathom it? Of course not.  Even as I face down the Maw of the corona virus, denial saves me from my worst fear. Or is death what I fear the most?  It seems odd to entertain “dark” thoughts on May day, where Spring’s full bloom is optimism incarnate, the fierce sun burning through fear or foreboding with it’s welcome heat.

Meeting One’s End

What end to meet,

where path falls into sea,

or mountain becomes sky—

tumbling down or gently rising—

stone polished waterfall,

mist over lake;

submerged or wide open,

butterfly or snail,

eyes open, closed, dreaming

or still?

What end becomes me,

one with dirt and star—

blinding light, trampled earth,

mulched leaves,

flowerbed

garden path

cloud spilling rain;

or thoughts strung together

woven through memories

held closely, laid down,

quiet comfort, waiting.